FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES!

Fly often? All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real (?) examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
3. "Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f#&% everything has shifted."
6. From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
7. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
8. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
9. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
10. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
11. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
12. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
13. Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
14. Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
15. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
16. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
17. After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
18. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
    

Source: Anonymous

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS

from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Rinpoche Sogyal

1. I walk down the street.
   There is a deep hole in the road.
   I fall in.
   I am lost...I am hopeless.
   It isn’t my fault.
   It takes forever to find a way out.
2. I walk down the same street.
   There is a deep hole in the road.
   I pretend I don’t see it.
   I fall in again.
   I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
   But it isn’t my fault.
   It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the same street.
   There is a deep hole in the road.
   I see it there.
   I still fall in...it’s habit.
   My eyes are open.
   I know where I am.
   It is MY fault.
   I get out immediately.
4. I walk down the same street.
   There is a deep hole in the road.
   I walk around it.
5. I walk down a different street.
   

DEAR DR LAURA

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality. Recently, she said that, according to Leviticus 18:22, homosexuality is an abomination and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet:

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell ? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room for negotiation here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

It’s a tragedy that we continue to need to be reminded about the reality of domestic violence. But until men take responsibility for their actions, domestic violence will continue. That’s right, guys, it’s up to us. We can’t expect women to take responsibility for the bashing, abuse and manipulation that we hand out. Domestic violence is overwhelmingly an issue of men abusing women. Of men attempting to control women by using whatever power they have – physical, verbal, emotional, financial. And don't give me that "she hit me first" crap. It's about power, not about who hit who first.

Listen, blokes, and I don’t care whether this is addressed to a battler doing it hard on a pension, or to our political leaders, the only person we can control is ourself. And we’d better start doing that. If we abuse women, we’re gutless wimps. And that goes double for men who doubly abuse women, whether it’s indifferent police officers politicians who aren’t prepared to put up real money for real answers, or any of us guys who turn our backs when we could help.

POWER WITHOUT GLORY

Last Saturday's federal election has proven to be a triumph of political expediency over genuine principle. Not that the ALP is necessarily a party of principle - it is almost as expedient as the Coalition. However, John Howard has again demonstrated that the need to be re-elected has over-ridden the deeper and more urgent need to act for the long-term benefit of Australia.

What we have seen is a cynical exploitation of a "better the devil you know that the devil you don't know" view in the electorate. This has been reinforced by manifestly false claims such as that the Coalition is the only party that can control interest rates. That this is an obvious and flagrant lie has been masked by Howard's attempt at a warm and fuzzy "trust me - I've been successful for eight years" line. And, as a result, we're stuck with another three years of Liberal/National coalition government - whether we like it or not.

What is worse, it looks almost certain that Howard will also have effective control of the Senate - perhaps not in his own right but almost certainly through a deal with Family First, which are even more conservative than the Coalition. My views on Family First are a separate subject, but suffice it to say, I don't agree with political parties that are based on, and draw their policies from, church groups. In this case, the Assemblies of God.

The only hint of a silver lining among all these clouds is that Howard will have no-one but himself to blame if (when) things go wrong. No doubt he will attempt to blame the ALP state governments (all of them), but hopefully, this will be seen for what it is - an attempt to pass the buck. The Coalition, effectively one man, John Howard, now has what he will claim to be a mandate to continue to push Australia in the direction of so-called economic rationalist, "free" market, user-pays conservatism , and away from any real concern for people. Particularly people who have been hurt by eight years of "me first" and to hell with anyone else; Aboriginal Australians, asylum seekers, mandatory detainees, people with mental health problems, pensioners - all the disadvantaged and socially excluded.

John Howard had better remember that "power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

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